Dear Melonchaly...

Dear Melancholy,

Why do you love me so much? 

It seems there isn’t a single part of my life, that you have not touched

I don’t want you here, yet still you linger

You’ve been a constant companion

For as long as I can remember....

Thoughts..... 12142024

 Once again I've figured out

That old enemy is playing in my mentals

And I opened the door and put on music

Like "here, I heard you like instrumentals"

Created a soundtrack while he works to destroy me

I was blinded by an illusion

Of what I wanted things to be

But now I realized that I opened that old playground back up

And I'm ashamed to admit it

But shame is the next trick to remind me

That this is the enemy's business

So I take the pain and shame back to God

While asking for forgiveness

Once again Lord, I'm broken before you

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 My desire to exist on the other side of death into life eternally is too strong

But to be one who admits this truth, I'm too wrong 

But my wrongs don't turn to right, so everyday I fight

Because of one who needs me here

The one who needs me near and for this I face my fears

Still in the back of my mind I keep hearing

"Death gotta be easy, because life is too hard."

But pushing through to get through

Even though I'm riddled with scars

12.08.2024

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 Days like this, I wish

I could just sit alone and cry

But I have things to do, so I'll try

To press through with a smile on my face

Wanting to break, but this is not the place

Constantly seeking refuge and still have not found

That safe space

09.12.2025

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What if I said the things I never say
The things that come to mind when you ask for what you can pray
But my mouth can’t form the words
Things long forgotten, buried alive, but revealing themselves after all this time
The traumas that molded me have become an invisible prison
Holding me emotionally captive
This version of myself, even I can’t know
Walls built to protect me so fortified
That even I can’t get in
Meanwhile attempting to surrender all, but not fully willing to even let God in
Broken pieces of who I should have been
Fragilely held together by my own strength
Gripping fear and pride preventing me from laying them at God’s feet
This pain is all I’ve ever known
And I’ve become so accustomed to masking it
If I tear down the walls, who will keep me safe
Every attempt has proven futile
This trauma lives in my DNA
Yet my head knows God can change even that
But my faith, emotions and intellect have not yet aligned
I’m tired of this cycle and can’t keep living wanting to die
I really want to surrender all
Like God, I’m for real this time
 
September 15, 2025

 If I die tomorrow, please don’t cry for me

Or only say good things about me

Please don’t lie for me

Truth is, none of you knew me, so you can’t tell my story

The way I fight to want to live daily, yet still have to give God glory

Like I’m fighting demons on my own mind

While still living in His grace

This world is so cold, but I want to see Him face to face

The other side has to be better

But I’m stuck here for now

I really fight daily because she’s counting on me, my child

December 29, 2024

Thought 11022024

Give me the space to breathe and figure out who I am

I’ve never had the opportunity to explore

I never had the air to express

So now I’m trying, but it’s difficult

And everyone has an opinion

But no one is inside of my head

No one knows my internal struggle or how many times I’ve thought of no longer living

Sometimes just waking up feels painful

Life is hard and I know we were never promised the breath of life without suffering

I’m trying to navigate my own

You may see me in a certain light,

But I still don’t know who I am

I’m tired of bleeding onto others and want to be healed

But I’m still finding the wounds and walls and doors that have been sealed

Surrender

Easily spoken but hard to action

I’m trying

43 years of who I am being ripped away and like a security blanket that has always been my solace,

Me protecting me needs to be stripped away

I’m still fighting with the promise because it feels like stepping off of a plank, into dead air

I guess that means I’m doubting God instead of walking in faith to know that He will always be there

 

lolamarya

November 2, 2024